I don’t understand what its going to take for schools to get the message. How many kids have to come to school with machine guns? Every therapist I have ever met with has told me my childhood is the worst case of child abuse they have ever heard. This does not help me. In fact it makes me feel MORE alone…I don’t think it is true. I think there are other kids that grew up and are growing up in situations as sick as mine-but they don’t live to tell anyone about it-they either OD on drugs, commit suicide (like my brother), spend their lives drinking or drugging until they die or they end up institutionalized in a prison or state hospital (I have experienced all of these except prison). If I were a teacher-I could pick out the abused kids in a minute flat. They look like I did when I was a kid-dirty, messy, distracted, accident prone-bruised and alone.
The worst part of growing up with abuse is the loneliness. When you are little and you are physically, mentally and/or sexually abused-you are told from birth that you cannot tell anyone what is happening to you. The secret keeping is what weighs children down and forces them to feel so alone. It is bad enough to have to go home from school every day to violence and abuse but the fact that you cannot tell anyone only intensifies your pain. You see all the other kids at school laughing and playing: they all seem to be able to connect with each other–but you can’t–you feel different, dirty and you believe there is something wrong with you or you would feel like all the other kids do.
They used to bring people into schools to talk about drugs and they might still have the “sex” class for kids when they hit a certain age-but no one has ever thought to talk to kids about child abuse(all the various kinds) when they are still young enough to get help. I know by the age of 8, I was already extremely disturbed. I slept with a large butcher knife under my pillow and a bat under the bed. I thought I was being watched all the time-I was totally paranoid and had begun cutting myself and breaking my bones to feel like I had a modicum of control. .I had good reason to feel like I did-but it just goes to show how young the damage begins. I believe that kids need to hear about this stuff in kindergarten, first grade–because if they don’t get help or at least told that they are not alone….by the age of 7-8-they are already permanently damaged…I know I was. I started drinking and doing drugs when I was ten. By 15 I was drinking in the morning-all day at school and all night-whiskey and vodka-never beer as my goal was to get numb as fast as possible. By 17 I was admitted to my first rehab and by 18 I was shipped to my first mental hospital. By the age of 19-I had OD’d 9 times, I actually died from the last one and had to be brought back-I was in a coma for a while but eventually recovered only to go back to drinking and drugs as soon as I was able to drive again. Long story short–if society via the schools–does not start reaching kids before-NOT AFTER-the damage is done–things are not going to change–more and more kids are going to act violently, get hooked on drugs, become prostitutes-homeless-whatever…..like I said: most of them will never live to tell anyone what happened.
I have been seeing all these commercials lately about NOMORE.org and the foundation Mariska Hargitay started to help rape and child abuse victims…and I desperately wish I could tell them to start talking to kids when they start school…let them know what rape is, what molestation is and that no one has the right to hurt them or touch them in any way that makes them feel bad–maybe then–the cycle of violence will stop—all these men and women that are abusing, raping and molesting children and adults–were once children–probably abused and alone–maybe if they got help–they wouldn’t need to rage against others–then maybe we can start making a dent in the problem. Helping people who have already been raped, beaten etc. or children who have already sustained years of abuse –is too little too late–its like shoveling in the middle of a blizzard.
Defying Death 